by HiMama Humor
Jan. 11, 2016
Getting to the bottom of things since 2015.


One can never be too careful when maneuvering through a world of sticky fingers and permanent markers! That's why we've compiled a list of survival rules that we believe will lend to your already superior child rearing skills. Buckle up!

Survival Rule #1:  Invest in some hard-soled slippers.

With today’s toys, the living room can be a battlefield.

Pointy Barbie shoe sticking out of the carpet? Prepare for pain. From Barbie accessories to Lego bits and bobs, are today’s toy manufacturers purposely trying to make their products more camouflaged and more deadly?

That’s why our Parent Survival Rule #1 is to invest in a pair of seriously hard soled slippers.

Hilarious mom blogger ‘Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva’ recounts her treacherous tale of Lego Walking.

Survival Rule #2:  Accept that there is NO EASY way to apply sunscreen.

Applying sunscreen is like the apocalypse. Every. Time. Learn to love the pain!

Applying sunscreen on a child is a daunting task, as their noodle-like bodies make it impossible to hold them down. Plus all children are pre-programmed to have a moral adversity to the life-saving lotion.

So before you throw in the towel on sunscreen, remember our Parent Survival Rule #2, and grin and bear it. You may be working against DNA here, but at least you’ve got the right attitude!

Another great tip would be to rock it like Dad Blogger “How To Be A Dad” and approach the situation with an element of surprise: Guide to Applying Sunscreen to a Child (or Wrestling a Croc)

Survival Rule #3:  It’s ok to make toys you don’t like “disappear”. Especially the creepy ones.

There’s been no proof dispelling the possibility of possessed toys. Don’t risk bringing them into your home!

It may seem that while your child gleefully embraces their new cockeyed baby doll, it is secretly looking into their eyes and stealing their soul. This insidious piece of plastic may even give you nightmares.

Parent Survival Rule #3 says, the best method to cope with terrifying toys is to let your child enjoy their possessed baby for a month or two, and then one dark night donate it to your local toy drive (or lock it in an inescapable box and bury it in the woods).

A prime example of this would be the “Face Bank” (see picture). That face will eat your money and your happiness. BUT it may bring your child immense joy.

Survival Rule #4:  Employing your little ones to do chores is a fully natural practice.

Being a parent is a full time job, one which at time to time may require the assistance of a few little employees. THIS IS NOT A CRIME!

Paying your kids with a special treat, for cleaning their rooms or making their beds not only gets the job done, it will also mold your children into delightful little helpers! Embracing Parent Survival Rule #4 is the handiest thing you can do for yourself.

Hilarious blogger “Robin’s Chicks” has developed the knack of how to make your kids do stuff. So she’s basically the yoda of the parenting world: How to make your kids do stuff (without losing your mind.)

Survival Rule 5:  Kids truly do say the darndest things. Remember to not take all of them to heart.

“I hate you” has many meanings to a child - learn to read between the lines!

The dreaded sentence: “I hate you.” It packs a punch when your little one throws it like stones at your devastated face. But please remember, brave soul, they don’t mean it. In fact, they don’t even know what they’re saying... That’s why Parent Survival Rule #5 is so important!

Want some advice from a seasoned pro? We turned to Dad Blogger “Designer Daddy” who warmed our heart with his post “What to Do When You Child Says “I Hate You”...or Worse”.

Survival Rule 6:  Always remember: YOU ARE A GREAT PARENT!

We at HiMama celebrate all of the hard working parents out there who dedicate their energy to their tots!

You truly are a superhero. And in case you haven’t heard it yet today, you are an exceptional parent! We know this can be hard to remember sometimes, which is why it’s Parent Survival Rule #6.

We look forward to continuing to capture the special moments and fleeting memories which are too precious to forget for your family.

Have any survival rules to share? Email your tips and tricks to - we’d love to hear from you!

The Dirty Diaper is HiMama's humor outlet for the whimsical world of children and child care.